i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
