Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
