at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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