so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
