So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
