that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
