you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
