I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
