Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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