You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
