if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
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At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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