Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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