I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
