Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
