I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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