I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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