Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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