you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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