News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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