I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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