Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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