Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
