Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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