Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
i think my cat just said my name.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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