maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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