i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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