I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i drank out of a bidet.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
