Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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