I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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