I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
