Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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