God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
