The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
