I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
