I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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