She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
