Having a random hookup so left but love u
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
