so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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