the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
