Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
