Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
