i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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