Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
