is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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