I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
