My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
