Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
