Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
