im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
