i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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