Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
