I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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