i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
