Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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