We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
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