I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
