i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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